That’s another thing I’ve struggled with. You know, it’s like… I’m not really happy, and it’s partially because I don’t have the social network that I want/used to have. Like yeah, I have all the stuff I need, I can do what I want for the most part, and for a while I was like cool, that’s all I need. But I actually miss the social interaction part. When you don’t have it for a while, you don’t really miss it (perhaps this is a neurological defense mechanism???). But then when you get a taste of it again, and then it ends, it’s like… man, that was awesome. Forget hanging out here surfing the net on Friday night by myself. Sure, I’m content, but it’s not awesome. Doing stuff is cooler when you do it with other people who appreciate it and who are on your wavelength.

That’s not to say sometimes I don’t need time by myself to unwind, but I remember at least one day in particular when we started partying at like 1 or 2pm, and then at like 6pm they were gonna go do something but I had to go home and take care of something for like an hour or two and then I was gonna meet up with them later, and when I walked into my place it was like instant social withdrawal. I was like this sucks ass, I wish I didn’t have to do this thing. I don’t remember what I had to do, but I remember surfing the net while I was waiting for something, and I was like lol, the internet is dumb and boring. I wanna go rejoin the party. But then shortly thereafter I started to revert back into homeostasis or whatever you want to call it. I was like “well, this is pretty cool. If I don’t go meet up with them again then whatever.” Or maybe I found something hilarious on the internet that distracted me. Maybe you could say I “lost state” and went back “inside my head”? I dunno.

Like, the level where I’m at now, I wish I was there 5 years ago. Don’t get me wrong; I still suck. But I feel like I can see and understand things a bit better than I did before.